If you're a creative, you'll probably relate to this message.
It's me. Hi. I'm the problem. It's me.
Just kidding. Well, kinda.
I have always struggled - or thought I was struggling with my creative efforts.
I'm hot.
I'm cold.
I'm in.
I'm out.
I have amazing ideas - put a plan in place - execute on said plan for a few days, weeks, or even months - and then ....
Nothing.
The creative energy leaves. I feel lost. I want to abandon the effort, but then the guilt and shame of inconsistency kick in.
What will the outside world think about me if I can't keep going?
A couple of years ago, in the midst of my season with postpartum depression, I dragged myself out into the world for dinner with a friend.
She was a hot mess, herself. But when you are ready the teacher will come ... lol!
She had gotten deeply into somatic therapy and was on fire with truth about how we self-sabotage. In my season with postpartum depression, I was in a cycle of sharing my sad feelings and vibrating at a low frequency.
In the middle of a vulnerable expression about my creative gifts and my start-and-stop nature, she interrupted me mid-sentence.
It was abrupt and felt rude at the moment. But it was exactly what I needed to hear.
She challenged me by breaking the psychological loop I was in.
She sandpapered my 'whoa-is-me' mental state and asked:
"Who cares if you start and stop? Who said you can't do that? Maybe your energy flows differently. Maybe you need to start and stop. Recalibrate. Start and stop. Maybe that's your way of doing things and it's not something to figure out or fix."
I remember leaving this dinner conflicted.
She broke my brain.
I mean, not really. But she did disrupt the loop in my brain. The belief I had been operating under.
Consistency is key. We hear it all the time.
And while this is true (in some cases), like working out and eating nutritious foods in a calorie deficit to create body composition -
or finally completing that manuscript -
or investing in EFTs -
or building great relationships -
In art, it's not always true or needed. It can actually stall the flow state of a creative when we're too boxed in and rigid.
Actually, if you want to stunt your flow state - make a granular plan, box yourself in, focus on monetary outcomes, and make sure you're super rigid in your efforts.
See how that works out for you.
I've been pondering some brain-breaking-loop-altering thoughts lately about my creativity and my art. I've been deep-diving into The Human Design System lately. If you've never heard of this and are struggling with your inability to stay consistent, I'd highly recommend you look into it. I've always been a big fan of personality testing, but I'm not a fan of labels. The Human Design System is an experiential system.
I found this quick intro on Jovian Archive through a quick Google search.
The Human Design System is a synthesis of ancient and modern sciences, and has proven to be a valuable tool for human understanding.
With Human Design you discover what makes you different from everyone else. It offers profound insights into your psychology, along with strategies and techniques for making correct decisions and ultimately leading to a life of more ease and fulfillment.
It is not built on belief or faith but is a logical, empirical system that offers you the opportunity to experiment with its mechanics and find out if it works for you.
Once you start experimenting with the knowledge, you may experience changes in your perspective. Over time, this helps you learn what brings fulfillment. Everyone has a Signature — peace, satisfaction, success or surprise—that comes when they are living in accordance with their true nature. A lessening of resistance in the form of anger, frustration, bitterness or disappointment is the end result.
There's so much to unpack within The Human Design System and just like any other 'system' or 'tool', it's to help you have a better understanding and experiment with what works for YOU! For me, as a 'Projector', I've learned that invitations come to me while I'm going about my business. Each time I try to force a plan or an outcome, the well dries up and my creativity dissolves.
I've experienced this multiple times with Blushing Phoenix. Blushing Phoenix is an outlet for me to share about overcoming chronic blushing and erythrophobia (the fear of turning red in front of others). It was something that I struggled with for years after a traumatic experience happened at work in front of an "authority figure". I started flushing red up my chest and neck and eventually on my cheeks and side of my face.
When I started my healing journey, I knew I needed exposure to the thing I feared most - which was being seen in that red state. So, I started a YouTube channel and within the process of creating content, people from all over the world started to connect with my channel and me.
It's been five years since starting Blushing Phoenix and I have tried to monetize it as a small business a few times within those five years. Each time I get a plan together and start working the plan consistently, my subscribers decline, analytics fizzle, the effort literally does the opposite.
When I create out of my passion for sharing about my experiences and guiding others on their journey, the analytics sky rocket. I've even abandoned the channel for months at a time, not checking stats, and when I check in - they're through the roof.
This makes absolutely no sense according to the world of digital marketing. But in my world - it makes sense and has always made sense. It's how things have always worked out for me.
When I'm vibrating at a high frequency and using my gifts for the enhancement of others - magical things happen to me.
As I learned about The Human Design System, I realized this is very typical for projectors. Generators and Manifestors are different. If I try to live and operate like a Generator, I burn out and lose my way - becoming bitter because I know I have a burning gift within me and when I try to do something with it, I lose direction and become exhausted.
In a social media world where knowledge is at our fingertips and our dopamine receptors are frazzled, our good intentions of learning from others can quickly become us mimicking what works for someone else.
Think about a good birth story. No matter how much a mother would like to support a soon-to-be-mother by sharing their birthing story, no two stories are ever the same. Even with the 3 children I've had the opportunity to bring into this world - all three births were different. My body knew what to do when it was time. Same end results but vastly different routes.
Trust that you know what to do with your art.
Just show up and do it.
Start, stop, hot, cold, consistently down one lane or jumping lanes as you see fit. All of that is okay in the name of art.
If you've been feeling stuck and questioning your gifts and talents, I wanted to get this encouragement in front of you as a reminder that you're right where you need to be.
I'm learning this for myself in this new season of deconditioning how I express my creative gifts.
When my daughter set up her TikTok account, her "about me" always resonated deeply within my being.
"I post when I feel like it."
There was something so liberating about this approach.
Now I know why.
If I have work to do, I have to do it regardless of how I feel. When I want to see results in my finances, my body, my mental health, my relationships - I have to do the work regardless of how I feel.
But when it comes to art - feelings are crucial for expressing your art in a genuine and authentic way.
In fact, what is art without authenticity?
Perhaps this message will break your brain-loop that is masquerading as self-sabotage and convincing you that you're the problem.
You're not the problem. Thinking you need to force an outcome is the problem. Thinking you need to do it like them, at their cadence - is the problem. Mimicking what the coaches and gurus told you - is the problem.
Post when you feel like it.
Market how you want.
Doing nothing is sometimes all the doing that you need to be doing.
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